The Martha in Me

About a week ago, I wrapped up my time with the Fall Collection of One Acts in Eden Prairie.  Gosh, I love those people.  I enjoyed spending time with some of the friends I've made during my year of involvement with Eden Prairie Players, I made some new friends who were onboard for the first time,  connected with others who had returned after some time away, and I worked really hard on a show that left me feeling both satisfied and completely drained.
When I auditioned this time around, I was hoping for a role in a comedy.  Last spring I worked on a show with heavy subject matter, and I thought I wanted a change.  I knew that I would accept whatever role was offered, but I didn't really bargain for Martha.
Collateral Damage was beautiful and ugly, desperate and hopeful, wonderful and terrible--all at the same time.  From day one I was struggling to embrace the character of Martha--and I was quick to say she was nothing like me.
I don't have any experience with life as a military wife.  I don't have close up experience with military life in general; in fact, I avoid listening to stories about the military at all, because war scares me so much.  I am not a person who is hard around the edges like Martha--the other night somebody told me Martha "seemed like she could kick some ass", which is a compliment to the actor side of me, because real-life Jenny does not!  (Actually, while I'd like to take credit for the acting, I think it was probably the wig!)
Now here's the thing that I haven't wanted to say out loud, but now that I'm reflecting, I need to admit:  I am like Martha.   At least, I have been like her at times.  I do know what it is like to feel resentful of a person's absence.  I know what it is like to feel so angry that I can't see straight, especially when the situation is beyond my control.  I have experienced times when fear comes out sideways as screaming and swearing.  I have swum in the murky waters that surround a person who struggles with untreated post-traumatic stress and anxiety, and I know that the undertow can threaten to pull everyone in along with the victim.
Martha was the one trying to come up with all the solutions to the problem in George Bryjak's play.  Martha had been carrying the load alone for a long time-- in her opinion, anyway--and she was not going to get the break she thought she deserved when Roger returned, broken and beaten down, and falling apart.  And here's the admirable thing about Martha-- at the end of the day, Martha picked Roger up in her arms and took his heavy load upon herself.  I don't think that happens all the time.  I keep thinking about Roger's line from the show, "There's always a choice."  If I'm honest, my choice in that moment might have been to leave Roger crying in that parking lot, while I drove away in our beat up little car.
Our directors had some email contact with the author of the play as we began working on the project, and one of the things he said is that when he writes, he likes to take "common man and woman, put them in difficult situations, increase the pressure to the breaking point, and see what happens."  He doesn't shy away from difficult topics, and spending time digging around in that space caused me to think hard about who I am, who I have been at times, and who I hope to be when I'm the one at the breaking point.
I wonder if maybe Collateral Damage Part 2 would look like Martha living alone in an apartment for the first time in her life, trying to figure out where she might have chosen differently along the way.  Maybe she and Roger will have been rowing in opposite directions for so long that they can't figure out how to be together anymore.  Maybe Roger would find healing, by some miracle that is bigger than the thing that broke him in the first place.  Collateral Damage wasn't just about a soldier's experience or a war--it was also about marriage, survival and relationships in the darkest of moments.  Martha's selfless choice at the end of the show is not the choice I can I claim every time my own life, and while I know my choices have been right for me, and I know that Martha and Roger are illustrations of fiction, I still find a little shame tangled up in there someplace that is difficult for me to swallow.
I cannot say that I completely enjoyed myself this time around with this particular show. Enjoyment wouldn't be the appropriate word anyway.  The content in the script was really, really hard.  I can say that I grew as a person and as a performer.  I can say that it was worth doing.  I can admit, with gritted teeth, that I have a little Martha in me, even though I don't like her one bit.  If given the choice, I would absolutely explore the role again.  But next time around, I might still be hoping for a comedy.